Shame.

of all the various types and colours of shame I imagine a human can feel, the worst, the one which leaves you the worst off, is probably shame about who you are.

 this shame is accompanied by a litany of semi-shames; what you do, what you wear, who you drink with. why you wear what you do, why you speak the way you do.
who you look up to, who you don't. what you bother about, what leaves you with no sleepless nights. what you spend your free time not doing.
how you spend your talents, how you waste them away. what you spend your money, what you don't. what you don't do for anyone else.
what principles you forgo, what easy ways out you take.
which inner voice you listen to; inspirational, defiant, nonchalant or indifferent.

the same shame compounds itself with what you do, or don't,  to alleviate, move away, do better for yourself. 

Waiting

Single mindedly,
Unerringly
Waiting
Unable to move
Or do anything remotely productive
Vibrating inside like a string on an instrument
When the screws are tightened
And the pick, or the bow
Or whatever
Hasn't been place to make sweet music
Yet!
Single knee
Pumping endlessly
Impatiently
Heartbeat galloping steadily
But surely, skipping here and there
Stuttering when the possibility
Of final consummation of expectation
Arrives.

Waiting.
Impatiently! 

Small wonder :)

Highly inclined though I am to write another piece of "My life sucks so much" (only because it does), I want to write about something that made me inexplicably happy, yesterday;

 I felt a baby kick inside a mother's tummy :D :D

As I write this now, I can feel the little bump and the answering bumpity-bump in my heart. I'm not ashamed to say tears came in to my eyes then, as they do now :) My colleague is almost 6 months down the line now, and is rather heavily pregnant. Being the Strange Experience Whore I am, I've been hounding her ever since she said she felt the baby - it's a girl, they found out thanks to a filter-less doc- kick.
So far, the little imp has been evading me, to the point of stopping entirely when mom comes over to our section because there's so much foetal activity.

Aha, but yesterday I caught the little bugger in the act. My friend complained about how our little friend was kicking up a storm, upon which I did a bit of an experimental pregnant-belly-rub. Nothing. Try again, said my friend. So I did. And holy crap, I felt another, as yet unborn, human being kick feistily inside her mom's tummy!

In the midst of everything ugly we see around us, amid all the unhappiness we happily embrace as Karma, God has a sneaky habit of showing his face in sudden, unexpected moments of wonder in its purest, most iridescent form.

Dem Moments

You know those days, those unenviable moments? The ones on which you hear something, or see something that gives you a funny feeling? Like something clicks inside you, or you get a weird clutch inside your stomach. Sometimes it happens because you meet someone who you know will be in your life forever, or will affect your life inexplicably. I suppose Love At First Sight would work like that.

Other times it's because whatever you experience makes you realize how life could have been different if the cosmos - or God, or Karma- had felt a little different about you. A little more benign, a little less benevolent, a little more inclined to help you sort your shit out.

But well, that's life isn't it? Which is possibly the most TRITE thing you can say to make yourself feel better, but I have always maintained that cliches are cliches only because they're actually Universal Truths ;)