The terrors of insignificance

it's so easy to feel insignificant. You simply allow the carefully constructed Ego and Super Ego to fall away a little, the armour you build up to avoid feeling the true mediocrity of your life.

The you get to thinking fantastic thing- like if you were to get raped, if you were to fall terrible terminally ill, if you were to offer someone the ultimate choice, you or The Dream, where would you stand in terms of the people who you deem important. Somehow, family always seems to be the ones whose opinions matter the least...because you already know what they'll say. That's at least a boring given.

Then you might come across someone fabulously talented, someone who writes expressing feelings you never even thought to encapsulate, or someone who sings so beautifully it bring unwitting tears to the eyes of the listeners who unknowingly hush up to hear better. Then you're hit with you as you are-nice enough, OK too, a good person maybe even a special person or missable to some, but just that and nothing more.

An ordinary Joe. And soon the people whose opinions you're sadly unaware of, will reliaze that too.

Up until you strap up with your armour again, it's enough to keep you thinking about it.

The Visitor

You know how human society as we know it, came to be because of the gradual move of nomadic tribes towards settled agriculture? Eventually, because they were no longer hunting and gathering, they formed concrete groups. SO, like my Uncle R was telling me today, without society, the average person goes mad.

Reading Dear John by sappy retard Nicholas Sparks was not such a great idea. I've become a nomad. I have no real "place" anymore, and my "people" are confused. I'm in one place, so-called home, for a short spell and then return to "abroad". I'm a visitor in both places in the end...Sri Lanka moves on fine without me, people still go for parties, the sun still sets and rises(surprise surprise) and India was fine till I came along, and will get on just jolly without me, what with the 2 Billion people etc etc. And now I'm in Australia.

The Travel Bug is supposed to liberate you, not make you feel like you're losing touch with any sort of ground level activity right?

I am a visitor, even to the people who should be "my people".

The Easter Bunny's missing

"What's the big deal, Easter isn't really celebrated that much in Sri Lanka" L said when I said that I wished I was home for Easter. That's true, it's not really that big a deal. In fact we kind of dread the 3-hour masses, the Way of Cross in the hot Colombo sun at (forgive the pun) ungodly hours and the general ritual nature of it all. Most of the time, Malli will end up asking " How long will mas be?" at least 6 times, resulting in everyone being bugged.

But Easter is such a family thing. Well OK so is Christmas, and I don't even want to THINK of having to spend Christmas here, but Easter is on a smaller scale, so I guess that makes it more intimate. The 4 of us go for mass, and Mum will come open the door at whatever strange hour we return. We gossip about the sermon/priest/strange attire of the fat lady in the front pews singing in the loud voice. We have a leisurely dinner. On Alleluia Saturday (Which is technically our Easter mass) we watch the Blessing of the fire-my favourite ritual-and renew our baptismal vows together. Then afterwards, generally mill around wishing everyone. And on Sunday, we invite the heathens read as my mom's family :P for yummy Easter lunch. It's actually no big deal.

But today as mass was finishing and I was surrounded, yes, by friends, there was something missing. Somehow there are some things which you always connect with family and when family is not around-you can be totally in control of your independent destiny-you feel the hole like some fat rip in the fabric of your soul, no matter how pseudo-spiritual that sounds.

So, I want to go home!