Comfort...and other things :)

I started writing about comfort a while back, but had to stop; because there were things to do, and people who "needed me" and important stuff like work, and money to be minted. I wasn't really comfortable, but I think that at that point, I wanted to explore the concept of what it means to be comfortable, with self and others. Because I had recently had, unsurprisingly, a revelation!

Now, there's been rain outside and it's a Sunday, and the only pressing things in life are the cooking baking in the oven and the 8pm appointment for a hair cut, for my sister. I feel comfortable, at ease with myself. Which has increasingly become a very rare occurrence, in the past few months. Sometime I seek these moments SO MUCH that it in itself becomes a damned discomfort, like trying to "find yourself" or "discover you"(epic fails on both counts) :)

However, as I am comfortable now, I'd like to say for the record that to find even a few people with whom one can be completely at ease, is a real gift. Family, yes, always, thank God. Good friends, if you're lucky. Room-mates, I have found, by sheer necessity...and sometimes they even like you for it! Ha. Yourself, whoopie if you find it, I'm still on that quest.

But others, other. One more person. Who you don't feel like pretending with, trying too hard for, being mature for, that now that, comes only if you're rather blessed, I think.

My Alone Theory

Read a brilliant blog post on Riskology, on tips on being alone.

Read http://advancedriskology.com/alone/ when time permits.

As a Confessed Social Butterfly, I have a reputation for being a real PR Person. Everybody loves me, I'm awesome like that :) However, I do like my time alone. I enjoy reading on the balcony in the blistering sun, I enjoy looking at the stars, I like making my own food, I like browsing through old bookstores alone, I like striding across the road alone with my headset on. And I do NOT like people talking to me when I don't want to talk to them, at all.

But I think that I am slightly ashamed of doing things alone, it might be my upbringing, it might be the social conventions I hold on to tightly despite declaring a non-conformist, indifferent perspective of the world. I only go places if there's someone to go with, I generally need a friend to enjoy the theatre or an arty movie showing or an exotic food festival. I hardly go shopping alone. I have a nagging suspicion that I lack faith in meself. Yep.

But the really, really tricky thing with other people is that you can never really depend on them :) They have Lives, Loves and Other Things To Do a lot of time. So I miss out on a lot of things that could possibly enrich my life, I don't know.

There are a few people in my life who I really admire, strange and exotic creatures who regularly do odd things all by themselves, like listen to obscure and brilliant musicians play and watch subtitled foreign films at festivals organized by embassies. These people fascinate me on so may levels; Their comfort with being with themselves is a beauty to me, something I think I will never achieve. Their lack of need for concurrence with another opinion, their pure enjoyment of singular pleasures, their general lack of constant companionship. It's pretty cool.

I think I am a LONG way from being cool enough to go for a concert alone, but I plan to start small. I am already sticking to tips like asking people for less advice when I already know the answer, and also am enjoying the moments of alone I have. I was a little taken aback when I was told that I am only satisfied these days because so many of my friends are down and I have many things to do. This really added to me self-schema, I have to say.

ANYWAY, the plan is to start small and visit a nearby craft village, alone if I must. I will also try to be less dependent on others for pleasure, leisure and other things in life. Being the mostly-extrovert I am (I will never admit that I don't have qualities of introversion) , I will always need some form of company at most times, but I will enjoy my alone time with more ease, hopefully. Maybe, someday, I will reach that point where I can travel the world with just, myself and trusty old I :)

Must see putha. 

Oh sublime!

Thanks to a generous gift from the Love of My Life, encountered first ever full body massage today. And oh, it was sublime!

Pampered in to a willing ball of nothingness at the hands of Olina, a cheerful, very young, Thai masseuse at possibly the swankiest (and ahem, only) spa I have visited, the single thought I had the will power to hold on to was that she could kill me if she wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to budge an inch to prevent it. She pummeled and she pulled, she rubbed and soothed, she pushed and shoved and soothed some more. And all of this mind you, within a dim-lit room of exquisite, simple elegance, soft music and accentuated withe comfortingly hot Sesame oil. Ah...


Stepped out the spa of it with another self-righteous opinion dashed to the ground-I no longer hold in contempt those rich bitches who do this more than occasionally. Of course they do this instead of busting the k on helping orphaned children. If I had the money, I would do this more than occasionally. I would alternate between the 3 choices you get to choose from as the aroma that distills in to your nostrils from under your face. I would choose the Ayurvedic spa one week, the Javanese the next and maybe try the Yoga spa. I would eagerly ask for the post-treatment Tamarind juice and choose Olina as my therapist of choice. I would even shed my clothing with a little less reserve, over time of course!

Of course, I would like to think that I would also spend some time on the orphans. I would be a nice, rich bitch.

But oh, sublime. Simply, sublime :)

Cheshire Cat

This blogggg....has become a diary of self-confused, whiny, pathetic 15-year old. Each and every one of the last posts drip with self-pity and oh what do I do now. This Cheshire Cat is a virtual SLAP. I'm a self-actualized 21-year who deals with situations, not bawls over them.

*MANIC SMILE*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP SMILING… LIFE’S NOT A KODAK MOMENT!

Humility is sometimes a hard-learned lesson. Self-importance on the other hand, very easily acquired and easily maintained by delusions of grandeur and vague recollections of passing compliments. But what on Earth allowed you to mould this fascinating, enigmatic, all powerful image of yourself?!

It’s fascinating in itself how you go from a relatively insignificant and homely human being ( Who might even be described as “mousy!) , surprised that anyone might even think they’re attractive, who faces every compliment with a genuine surprise and shy wonder ( ME? Seriously? Oh-k!) , to a definitely better-looking but totally out-of-proportion person who thinks the world is always watching her?

Maybe it’s that fast zoom from nerd to smart, maybe nerdy but still very cool. Maybe be it’s the transition from being relegated to watching the “beautiful” people, only watching, never part of them, to actually kind of a beautiful person. You’re finally in a position in life to be able to look and them and LAUGH, not just stand by and ogle like some bloody waif at a baker’s window.

Suddenly, you’re supposed to be everything to everybody, especially that one person. Egged on by compliments…how great you look, how smart you are, how very many friends you have, pushed on by great results at everything you do. Freudian Ego puffs it chest like a Testosterone-injected rooster among a group of willing hens.

And soon everything’s about you. Everyone’s worrying about your welfare and everyone’s watching every separate move you make with bated breath. Everything you do academically is a guaranteed success and whatever you write is brilliant. Small failures, glaring mediocrities go ignored-they don’t even make a noticeable dent in the sturdy Ego.

It takes a surprise defeat from an unexpected flank to make you realise that the Universe is not going to wait watching for your very foolish vanities.