There are all types of loss

Sometimes it takes a great tragedy for one to see what reality looks like. Because, in the aftermath of unhappiness and despair and tears, the rubble starts clearing slowly, and truths emerge. Suddenly you realise that people have changed, friendships have matured, and some folks have just moved away. Sometimes you realise that some haven't been around for the longest time but that in our constant need to maintain normalcy, we have been consciously overlooking the fact.

This is a loss of innocence and childhood. It's disturbing and unsettling and it's not the kind of thing that you want to think about. But the truth is, as the cliche goes, we live and we learn. And the less we cling on to willful self-delusion, the better it is for our mental well-being and the truer we are being to ourselves.

For the lies we tell ourselves are often the most involved and are well crafted to protect us, but they won't save us when the crap hits the fan. Instead, they beget expectations, which, as we all know, bring pain. More than that, they beget unhealthy, half-baked relationships based on old truths and private jokes, little vignettes that have now faded away into memory. Some friendships, it seems, die a natural death -- it's sad, but that doesn't mean that what was was not true, nor does it mean that the same friends are now terrible people. It just means that things have changed. And it would be wise and enlightened to remember that without bitterness or regret,

Late-life-student ramblings

Why? Sitting here with a coffee and a blank Word document in front of me, wondering why we go through this charade that is "educating ourselves".

Groan.

Frank's the man...

After revamping my blog, I tried to write a meaningful and deep post -- FAIL. Did not work. Pleased as I am with the casually abstract and slightly winsome look my blog now has (not contrived at all), I'm all out when it comes to the written word. So, here I share what's occupying me as I sit, sick, in the middle of this balmy, mosquito-infected Colombo night:

1. Reading this. Discovered on one of those late, not-doing-much-here-boss nights at work. Turns out Gaius Vallerius Cattulus was an ancient Roman orator, philosopher and poet. Tidbits of knowledge like that always make me feel hopelessly ignorant of everything else I do not know.

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/advice-to-himself/

2. Also skimming through this. Found through a friend's Facebook post, and I must say, it seems sensible.

http://www.trulybuddha.com/

3. Also reading Sophie's Choice. Brilliant and almost done with it!!

4. And finally, listening to this man -- nearest thing to chocolate that I can stomach right now. Ah...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7GHgE8fylQ

Being you

I've been thinking of writing for a while now...what with new jobs and life changes and adjusting yourself to where it takes you, sometimes writing simple things become a bit of a task. But today, busy Friday that it is, it's just hit me that I have to write about being yourself, and being happy about that.

It seems like every inspirational quote and FB meme begins with some variation of "Be yourself and be happy" etc. etc. etc. and many convoluted, motivational twists on it. But that's not technically what I'm ranting on about. It's about being comfortable with yourself.

As someone who isn't entirely comfortable with myself, but is getting there, I have always envied people who don't need other people -- in the most elemental sense. Theses are people who are so comfortable with their own personalities (and idiosyncrasies) and so devoted to their life purposes that, although they enjoy healthy relationships,they don't seem to depend on them.

Although I firmly believe in the power of harmonious relationships and values relating to family, friends and love, etc., somehow I become increasingly aware of the fact that dependence for happiness, stability and SANITY more than anything else, depends on the self and how the self is prepared to handle Life. And this is not a spin on a feminist "I-don't-need-a-man-to-make-me-happy"ideal, it is stick-up-in-your-face fact. It means that even if you surround yourself with good, kind, loving people, you avoid the latching-on that humans are so prone to. This seems to translate into avoidng expectations, but I think expectations are fair, and human. What IS silly is to always the need the reassurance of another body to feel complete, or happy or safe or important.

This would mean that your're happy with yourself and your rationalisation of life, and that you count on yourself, not because you've lost faith in humanity but because you've come to the understanding that

a. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone
b. There's no one really better than you
c. What better person is there to deal with your mental well-being, than yourself!

Phew! So, like my strong women friends say, take a walk by yourself, enjoy music on your own, do your work well and without constantly needing approval, achieve what you have to because you want to and not because you owe it to someone else and, if you have balls, big ones, do something really crazy, like watching a movie by yourself or heading out to a dinner for one a at your favourite place :) Who knows, in your travails through your Self, you might surprise yourself ;) 

People

Contrary to popular belief, there are a few people I don't like! I go through life trying to keep and open mind, but there are a few, treasured human beings who REALLY challenge my attempts to give them a fair chance in life.

However, considering them, I feel bad. Pity may be an overly magnanimous emotion but, you have to feel something for people who don't have people. Because they are out there. They don't have friends, because they can't. Because they can't open up to difference, because they can't embrace the fact that people can be strange, but still good. Because they lack that essential ability to love someone other than yourself.

How much they miss out on.

Because they achieve; great things, even. They "succeed" in life, out-classing, out-running, striving for "perfection" (which to me will always be bloody elusive as hell), improving always, seeking the perfect degree, the perfect job. But they never...bond. Or they bond, with "the agenda", that all-purpose manifesto of requirements that an individual must have to qualify to be part of the circle. '

I have been thinking, on the brink as I am of a Big Step, about people, friends and achievement, the dreaded "What do I do with life?"-type internal monologues.
 Come to a few hazy conclusions, I have; primary among which is that being happy is very, very important. Being positive towards people is important. Not holding grudges helps a lot in life. Looking for the best in people aids in reducing manic anger-related episodes. Hatred should be, well, dropped. And you should do the best for yourself, remembering always that there are people around you for a reason, to live with, to help, to share a joke or a drink or a joint or a kiss or a hug or a smile. It's not about being a peachy, peace-loving hippie, it's about being able to talk to that hippie and be a friend to him.

Because in the end, success is necessary, money is essential and Life is serious, but if you can't find love and friendship among the 7 billion people who share your life-space, you really must question yourself about whether you have lived at all.

The terrors of insignificance

it's so easy to feel insignificant. You simply allow the carefully constructed Ego and Super Ego to fall away a little, the armour you build up to avoid feeling the true mediocrity of your life.

The you get to thinking fantastic thing- like if you were to get raped, if you were to fall terrible terminally ill, if you were to offer someone the ultimate choice, you or The Dream, where would you stand in terms of the people who you deem important. Somehow, family always seems to be the ones whose opinions matter the least...because you already know what they'll say. That's at least a boring given.

Then you might come across someone fabulously talented, someone who writes expressing feelings you never even thought to encapsulate, or someone who sings so beautifully it bring unwitting tears to the eyes of the listeners who unknowingly hush up to hear better. Then you're hit with you as you are-nice enough, OK too, a good person maybe even a special person or missable to some, but just that and nothing more.

An ordinary Joe. And soon the people whose opinions you're sadly unaware of, will reliaze that too.

Up until you strap up with your armour again, it's enough to keep you thinking about it.

The Visitor

You know how human society as we know it, came to be because of the gradual move of nomadic tribes towards settled agriculture? Eventually, because they were no longer hunting and gathering, they formed concrete groups. SO, like my Uncle R was telling me today, without society, the average person goes mad.

Reading Dear John by sappy retard Nicholas Sparks was not such a great idea. I've become a nomad. I have no real "place" anymore, and my "people" are confused. I'm in one place, so-called home, for a short spell and then return to "abroad". I'm a visitor in both places in the end...Sri Lanka moves on fine without me, people still go for parties, the sun still sets and rises(surprise surprise) and India was fine till I came along, and will get on just jolly without me, what with the 2 Billion people etc etc. And now I'm in Australia.

The Travel Bug is supposed to liberate you, not make you feel like you're losing touch with any sort of ground level activity right?

I am a visitor, even to the people who should be "my people".

Smile like you mean it

It's very easy to appear happy. You just have to make up your mind and decide to wallow no longer. The thing is that sometimes people would rather you carried on this pretence of "all izz well", rather that crying and howling and generally being tetchy with the rest of the universe.

Isn't it a little sad that people who matter to you would rather be comfortable around the carefully controlled You rather than the genuinely troubled, moody but authentic nonetheless You?

Shouldn't the important people, at least, want you to be tetchy is the world is giving you a bit of a hard time?

How can you be optimistic?

What a question to ask? I like to think of myself as an optimist

because most of the time when things are at their lowest I like to think "OK not much we can do here, let's see how we can move on"...because if you keep viewing the glass as being half empty, that seems to be an awfully dreary way to go through life.

K however has another opinion. She's just a kid, 2 years younger than me but only a year junior in college...as Tranquil Roomie's cousin, we get together and bug my poor TR for her various amusing foibles. She's a sweet thing, all rough and tough on the outside but a real marshmallow when it comes down to it. She runs. Whenever you see her, she seems somewhat furtive, always running away from some one, trying to blend in to the background despite distinctly fair skin and dead straight black hair. And she runs. Fast. out of our hostel. To the gate, For the food. Away from the food. She's seated with me on the ledge today...and we're talking as usual about our different views on life, she being the eternal hard-as-nails pessimist. You should not be optimistic she says, because there's nothing good in life! Ah but there is I say! No there isn't says this budding Bhuddist.

I tell her that people like her build walls around themselves so they cna't get hurt and she retorts with somehting very interesting...they get hurt too, may be even more so that others. But they don't want to get hurt further so they shut off. And she runs she says, to escape...because she has something at the back of her mind which says that if she runs fast and long enough, she'll find a place where all her problems disappear :(