On being shape eke good with yourself

Life sure is a funny thing. It speeds by, you speed with it, and you don't realise how much it changes inside of you with its passing.

Today an old friend Whatsapped me about her wedding -- excitedly, we discussed plans, places, outfits, dance routines. I remembered that it was just a little over 365*3 days ago that we sat on our hostel-room beds in the college hostel, discussing boys, marriage, and life. We were young, literally jobless, and in that beautiful bubble that is university life. The world and we were yet to meet. I meet girls that I went to school with, on the streets of the city. Some are wearing splashy new rings on their fingers, others are sporting kids, like, multiple kids. After the requisite cooing, it always strikes me hard, how they have a life that is completely different to my relatively unencumbered existence. This feeling magnifies when I see their photos of kids' birthdays. Kids' birthdays. A few years ago, those existed only in photo albums of ourselves that our parents had preserved with careful love.

Assessing life is always mildly frightening -- you see your achievements, but you also can't help but see the many, many, many things you still have to struggle through. Higher studies, marriage, other adult-life-related bothersome details that don't bear thinking about on this gloomy Saturday in Colombo. But most of all, if I ever actually sit down and think about my life, I see how I have grown. And it's kind of surprising. I never used to do that before. I never read that particular author before. When did I start caring about Syria? When did I suddenly develop an interest in the Kuiper Belt that holds that icy dwarf planets in our solar system? What the frick.

It's weird. But then, I guess that's just life. Have come to realise that the thing that matters the most is if you like the person you've become/are becoming. Sometimes that takes a little more digging deep into the stuff souls are made of, but if you can actually do that, if you take the time off social media and growing up and being cool to actually do that, and you realise that, yes, I'm cool with this strange but pretty freaking wonderful individual occupying skinny limbs and female balding well-hidden by a fringe, then you're shape eke good.

Mental funk and other junk

I had the worst case of Writer's Block over the past few weeks -- I kept wanting to pen some thoughts down, but all I could come up with were melancholy ramblings that are too morbid even for this blog (hah). This has been the result of a slight mental funk, I believe, the kind of thing that we fall into on and off due to small, seeming insignificant incidents that we shrug off and act mature about. These come back to haunt us. Such unfunky times are characterised by thinking, over-thinking, brooding, feeling generally sorry for self, and going on Facebook too much. Facebook is the worst thing that ever happened to us. Even I -- the world's greatest nerd and self-proclaimed bigger-than-Facebook person -- had to deactivate my account for a bit to deal with some snazzy exams. I've already checked the damn thing about 6-7 times TODAY to see if a new picture I've been tagged in has got more likes. The picture is cute, but that is far and away beyond my original point of Facebook being the bane of our damned (and I'm not swearing here) generation. Also, Whatsapp and its darn faulty time-stamps.

Anyway! Before this develops into the kind of full-blown rant that my Inner Goddess is oh-so-very capable of, let me just say that church and cookies got me through that mental funk. Church, because I believe and my faith is something that has always guided me when things go wrong. Cookies, because I baked them alone, dancing alone to some good 70s songs, gesticulating with my wooden spatula at my (very curious, and maybe a little frightened) dog, who was keeping me company. The cute little baby girl.

So, if the mental funk descends upon you, brood a little, as we all have the right to do, and focus on the things you have to get done in life. These things seem to fall by the wayside when we're too busy feeling spaced out and weirded with our own selves. Also, do something you enjoy, alone. Company is nice, but sometimes you need to do stuff for yourself, by yourself.

That's all, folks.

On growing up

Growing up, it seems, is a bit of a painful business, to put it lightly. An inspired person I know says that when he looks back at what he was an year ago, he can't believe how much better a person he has become. That's inspirational.

It seems that when you're young (er), you measure your change by the bulk events that occur in your life -- first relationships, the last few years of school, college, your first real jobs. What were you before, what are you after. As you get old (er) though, you see the more gradual changes; you feel how life has settled its heavy hands on your shoulders and pressed you down to the earth, telling you that some things are that you have to be 'adult about', and that now you are actually 'adult' enough to deal with them.

One of the toughest lessons you could learn is that the world doesn't, surprisingly, revolve around you (fancy that!). Younger, even the humblest among us thinks that, hey! This is all pivoting on me! I am the pivot! Everybody's waiting for me. But then you realise that they're not waiting for you, because everybody grew up. And maybe some of them lost their faith in you along the way, while you were busy being fabulous. And maybe you lost your faith in some of them. Maybe we all realised that we're alone in this journey, and that we have to build our survival skills alone.

This is a hard lesson, especially for us silly few who believe in rainbows and happy endings and good things for good people :) Our philosophy is broadly idealistic and highly impractical -- a beautiful world where everyone muddles through together and makes the most and best of every situation together. *Cue the violins*. It doesn't matter that we're practical young professionals with keen intellects and years of solid education backing us, we still believe in this crock. Perhaps we need to maintain some of this possibly destructive idealism, but it bites us, often right in the butt, when the rest of the world plows over it with its practical cynicism and its hard realities.

But that's ageing for you; when you can't escape it, you're old (er) enough to accept it for what it is -- the way of the world, and its people. 

The little voice

It's always whispering,
Muttering curses, little bits of
Self-flagellation.
It's soft, and often hides
Around company, shy,
Doesn't like to be shown-off much.

It's a nag, though! Constant,
Creeping,
Inspired, with an Imagination
That is vivid, artistic
Almost!

I shut it up, swat at it,
Tell it to eff off,
And it retreats, for a bit,
When the sun shines and the grey cells
Stay busy.

But back in the quietude,
Its favourite hunting-ground,
It springs,
Vicious, like a marauding
Predator, on my dreams.

The happiness space

"You need to be happy with yourself to be happy with other people", a smart and wonderful person said today. This was amid a relatively philosophical discussion, and it stopped me in my ruminative tracks, as it were. Happy with yourself. I have always been happy with myself, at least, for as long as I remember -- those days, when I was asked if I was content, I would immediately say yes, much to everyone else's surprise. Not many people seemed happy with their lot in Life.

To say that has changed seems to signal a shift in the planes of my existence. Perhaps this discontent signifies that we have started challenging ourselves unnecessarily, creating discontent. Or that we have become older, with more responsibilities and more reasons to realise how much life sucks, and how unfair this whole damn thing is to all but a lucky few.

But mostly I think it's because we rob ourselves of our simplicity -- we pack on other things. We strap on expectations of others, societal norms, "personal improvement", work "goals", career "aspirations", and we lose sight of important things, like our inner peace. And the ability to have a quiet moment.

And worse, we make lacklustre decisions that we are verree likely to regret later. They are not bad or foolish decisions, just awfully boring, seemingly "necessary" ones. These often leave us muddling through to "finish up", even if we just want to say screw it, I'm not doing this crap.

But to give our sad selves some credit, it seems that as we grow older, the world around us, the way our attachments change in their own spheres, the awareness of aging and the terrible bloody banality of have-to-do-no social engagements (peppered with inane questions and ridiculous small-talk) slowly attack our IP. Or perhaps it is our lack of IP that causes us to be that affected by this agglomerated melancholy.

I suppose the bottom line is that we have to build our own happiness. I feel lists might help, and organization. Smiling at yourself and telling yourself that no, you are prettier than them, and that no, you started this, now you'll finish it. It means beating down the negative sentiments that dog us about our incompetence, unacceptability, unloveability, undesirability, etc. And I really think it entails a whole lot of not taking yourself too seriously, and not taking all but a very few very seriously.

 It's a bit of an effort, but if we can achieve (or re-achieve) that happiness with who we are, mad flaws and all, we might find that our reactions to those nasty little curve balls Life seems to throw at us are better, more positive, and definitely simpler. We might find that we no longer walk around with bright smile and a slightly cloudy heart (note the clever weather analogy).

If you still can't find that happinness, though, looks like the helpful folk at freaking wikipedia are willing to lend a happy hand:

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy-Being-Yourself

Move over, all existential philosophers who ever wrote tomes on how to be happy with oneself. Wikhow will put all you fellows to shame.

Bits and bobs

You know those times when you realise that you were wrong about fundamental things? It's a strange sensation. I think the mind takes time to adjust to it. Instead of acclimatizing and evolving ways by which it can deal with the situation, the brain goes in to overdrive. I don't know if it's always the case, but mine starts sprouting bits and bob of popular culture and oft-heard adages. 

"The best laid plans of mice and men..."..."I tried my best, but I guess my best wasn't good enough.."... "What doesn't kill you makes you stoooongerrr...", etc. 

It's like a constant cacophony inside your head, with things you always knew coming back to haunt you and tell you that you've gone and put your foot in it this time. The corny song verses are the worst, yurgh. They even come with the accompanying bars of music. After a point, you realise you need to tune out, or slowly go mad. 

Thoughts on thoughtfulness

It feels like thoughtfulness has become such a rarity that when it does pop up in real life, it's looked askance at, and even vilified. Most people cannot IMAGINE that a thoughtful word or gesture can be possible without a lurking, evil ulterior motive. This is a likely a reflection of society (thu. I spit on you) perceives the concepts of give and take. You can't possibly give something without wanting something, or someone, in return.
Social analysis  aside, I've come across very  very few thoughtful people. There are kinds people, nice people, people who are fun to be around, etc., but very few genuinely thoughtful folk. Having spent the major part of my life surrounded by family friends who were great in every way, all that is good, and kind and supportive, but no necessarily thoughtful  I was surprised when I went to college. I met K, the kind of person who bakes for elders' homes and brings you flowers on a random days, just because. It was lovely. And it inspired me, not a particularly thoughtful person, to try and be a bit more thoughtful toward people.
But I realised that it's the sort of trait that is best seen in people in whom it is inborn. Else, your gestures feel stupid, look a little stilted and are soon discontinued.

But, by the by in life, I have the luck to come across such people in unexpected places. It never fails to surprise me, or to make me smile. It always make me realise, also, that sweetness, and its appreciation, is an essential for a content life.

A thought on peace of mind

At the outset, one could imagine that peace of mind doesn't have much of a place in life anymore. Everywhere I look, there are people walking, talking, dancing, spending the evening with friends, going out for a beer, catching up, gymming, hitting yoga classes, doing zumba, taking time off, crunching at work, grabbing breakfast, getting coffee with the girls, and stuff, and more stuff. It's always funny to hear someone say something along the lines of "oh I have to do that, that's where I get some peace of mind", or "oh I can't make it today, need some time for myself and a book." But it's there, as elusive as it may sound, most people have their refuge -- the place they go to just let go, and forget, mostly, I guess.

But the thing with this peace of mind business --  it's a grand irony. We get attached to these essential refuges or these things (or worse, people) who are supposed to be our grand getaway from the mad rush of real life. And the thing with attachment, the thing that really bites, is that it always, always disappoints. Everybody and everything will, at some point, disappoint you. That's not even cynicism, that's pure reality with a good dose of old-fashioned irony thrown in for measure.

People will act up, love will vacillate, families will throw tantrums. Gyms will close, friends will leave, the walkways of your haunts will be swallowed up for development. The trees you love will be cut down, your dog will die (GAHHHHHHHH). At some point, your anchors will all bob loosely in the water and leave you floating in distress, with no aim, and worse, angry with change and the fact that you lost out on the one thing that kept you together.

So, what to do? Geez, I don't know. I stick by my belief that the only way to rid ourselves of this vicious cycle is exactly as the Buddha preached -- remove yourself from attachment; find a place within yourself where you can retreat to, where this peace of mind is neutral to external shocks. Basically, find inner peace. Peace that doesn't rely on unpredictable props.

But, alas and stuff. This, as I have found out the hard way, is difficult. Most of us need something to hang on -- probably why we most of us still far away from reaching any stage of enlightenment. So, while I think this is an excellent strategy, and pat myself on the back for realizing this, the next time I want some peace of mind I will still be heading to my bed, surrounded by my loving family, and curling up with a good book.

Natural pessimism?

It must be my natural pessimism, Although I believe very much in optimism and I preach it to all those people who see the glass as being half empty.
Every time I'm on my way home from a REALLY good time, the kind of good time which makes for memories you talk about years later, in conversation starting with " hey you remember that time when we went to...",l I think of how soon, it'll come to an end.

This is life after all. if everything was one, big happy holiday, the point would be lost and I wouldn't even be able to enjoy what i can't have all the time. But life gets so complicating so FAST, it's like a flash of lightning leaving you with this fading feeling of forgotten euphoria, and a burnt ass that you have to deal with.

Geez.

The terrors of insignificance

it's so easy to feel insignificant. You simply allow the carefully constructed Ego and Super Ego to fall away a little, the armour you build up to avoid feeling the true mediocrity of your life.

The you get to thinking fantastic thing- like if you were to get raped, if you were to fall terrible terminally ill, if you were to offer someone the ultimate choice, you or The Dream, where would you stand in terms of the people who you deem important. Somehow, family always seems to be the ones whose opinions matter the least...because you already know what they'll say. That's at least a boring given.

Then you might come across someone fabulously talented, someone who writes expressing feelings you never even thought to encapsulate, or someone who sings so beautifully it bring unwitting tears to the eyes of the listeners who unknowingly hush up to hear better. Then you're hit with you as you are-nice enough, OK too, a good person maybe even a special person or missable to some, but just that and nothing more.

An ordinary Joe. And soon the people whose opinions you're sadly unaware of, will reliaze that too.

Up until you strap up with your armour again, it's enough to keep you thinking about it.