The terrors of insignificance

it's so easy to feel insignificant. You simply allow the carefully constructed Ego and Super Ego to fall away a little, the armour you build up to avoid feeling the true mediocrity of your life.

The you get to thinking fantastic thing- like if you were to get raped, if you were to fall terrible terminally ill, if you were to offer someone the ultimate choice, you or The Dream, where would you stand in terms of the people who you deem important. Somehow, family always seems to be the ones whose opinions matter the least...because you already know what they'll say. That's at least a boring given.

Then you might come across someone fabulously talented, someone who writes expressing feelings you never even thought to encapsulate, or someone who sings so beautifully it bring unwitting tears to the eyes of the listeners who unknowingly hush up to hear better. Then you're hit with you as you are-nice enough, OK too, a good person maybe even a special person or missable to some, but just that and nothing more.

An ordinary Joe. And soon the people whose opinions you're sadly unaware of, will reliaze that too.

Up until you strap up with your armour again, it's enough to keep you thinking about it.

The Visitor

You know how human society as we know it, came to be because of the gradual move of nomadic tribes towards settled agriculture? Eventually, because they were no longer hunting and gathering, they formed concrete groups. SO, like my Uncle R was telling me today, without society, the average person goes mad.

Reading Dear John by sappy retard Nicholas Sparks was not such a great idea. I've become a nomad. I have no real "place" anymore, and my "people" are confused. I'm in one place, so-called home, for a short spell and then return to "abroad". I'm a visitor in both places in the end...Sri Lanka moves on fine without me, people still go for parties, the sun still sets and rises(surprise surprise) and India was fine till I came along, and will get on just jolly without me, what with the 2 Billion people etc etc. And now I'm in Australia.

The Travel Bug is supposed to liberate you, not make you feel like you're losing touch with any sort of ground level activity right?

I am a visitor, even to the people who should be "my people".

The Easter Bunny's missing

"What's the big deal, Easter isn't really celebrated that much in Sri Lanka" L said when I said that I wished I was home for Easter. That's true, it's not really that big a deal. In fact we kind of dread the 3-hour masses, the Way of Cross in the hot Colombo sun at (forgive the pun) ungodly hours and the general ritual nature of it all. Most of the time, Malli will end up asking " How long will mas be?" at least 6 times, resulting in everyone being bugged.

But Easter is such a family thing. Well OK so is Christmas, and I don't even want to THINK of having to spend Christmas here, but Easter is on a smaller scale, so I guess that makes it more intimate. The 4 of us go for mass, and Mum will come open the door at whatever strange hour we return. We gossip about the sermon/priest/strange attire of the fat lady in the front pews singing in the loud voice. We have a leisurely dinner. On Alleluia Saturday (Which is technically our Easter mass) we watch the Blessing of the fire-my favourite ritual-and renew our baptismal vows together. Then afterwards, generally mill around wishing everyone. And on Sunday, we invite the heathens read as my mom's family :P for yummy Easter lunch. It's actually no big deal.

But today as mass was finishing and I was surrounded, yes, by friends, there was something missing. Somehow there are some things which you always connect with family and when family is not around-you can be totally in control of your independent destiny-you feel the hole like some fat rip in the fabric of your soul, no matter how pseudo-spiritual that sounds.

So, I want to go home!

Scribble

BRIGHT

As the stars which glisten

So deceptively close by

As the fat moon which sneers (peers)

From between ghostly branches

As the smile of the young girl

Picking Yellow flowers in a Blue dress

As a dripping ice lolly

In the Summer warm,

The thoughts of you flash by

Like searing lights leaving

Scars of hopeless wants

And a deep yearning

For home.

Smile like you mean it

It's very easy to appear happy. You just have to make up your mind and decide to wallow no longer. The thing is that sometimes people would rather you carried on this pretence of "all izz well", rather that crying and howling and generally being tetchy with the rest of the universe.

Isn't it a little sad that people who matter to you would rather be comfortable around the carefully controlled You rather than the genuinely troubled, moody but authentic nonetheless You?

Shouldn't the important people, at least, want you to be tetchy is the world is giving you a bit of a hard time?

Lame-O

Today I was told that it's OK to be lame. That I don't have to be mature all the time...and what a relief that was :)

Love you Rosh :)

How can you be optimistic?

What a question to ask? I like to think of myself as an optimist

because most of the time when things are at their lowest I like to think "OK not much we can do here, let's see how we can move on"...because if you keep viewing the glass as being half empty, that seems to be an awfully dreary way to go through life.

K however has another opinion. She's just a kid, 2 years younger than me but only a year junior in college...as Tranquil Roomie's cousin, we get together and bug my poor TR for her various amusing foibles. She's a sweet thing, all rough and tough on the outside but a real marshmallow when it comes down to it. She runs. Whenever you see her, she seems somewhat furtive, always running away from some one, trying to blend in to the background despite distinctly fair skin and dead straight black hair. And she runs. Fast. out of our hostel. To the gate, For the food. Away from the food. She's seated with me on the ledge today...and we're talking as usual about our different views on life, she being the eternal hard-as-nails pessimist. You should not be optimistic she says, because there's nothing good in life! Ah but there is I say! No there isn't says this budding Bhuddist.

I tell her that people like her build walls around themselves so they cna't get hurt and she retorts with somehting very interesting...they get hurt too, may be even more so that others. But they don't want to get hurt further so they shut off. And she runs she says, to escape...because she has something at the back of her mind which says that if she runs fast and long enough, she'll find a place where all her problems disappear :(